Three

I didn’t live my childhood knowing I’d become a brother. My whole life revolved around not sharing love with others, but perhaps that was only out of circumstances I didn’t understand. Then one day, the news broke out twice, I had a little sister and a baby brother. How I wish I valued the life people valued as a mysterious wonder.

My dearest princess, my sister — you’ve had your eyes set on a world I couldn’t see. A dream I could only understand through rose-colored lenses and your little laughter. You played with Barbie dolls like they were friends, even if you already made bonds with other kids — chains studded with diamonds, far stronger than our rusty steel. Even if we were both caught in a crossfire of adults who forgot we were cameras recording their every twist and shout weaved into their fights, we only cried while I hugged you tight — but you never withered.

I still remember your dreams like a silly memory I play in my head far too often. A singer, a dancer, a fashion designer — all met with criticism from our mother, but you wouldn’t let those dreams suffer. You worked your way up a ladder with no training wheels on your feet, and I’ve watched you succeed before my eyes — for your future, I promise, they glistened. To take life by the hands was wrong of me to envy, for my shortcomings only came from a part of me that forgot what was always better.

You knew what to do, even if the peace you found in war eventually fell asunder.

My little knight in crayon-like armor, my brother — the precious late bloomer who I admired. It’s as if yesterday is a finger away, when you used to fumble with your toys and laugh so innocently. You were new to the world when I was there, yet you had a passion for happiness that never seemed to grow tired. Even in the smallest, lackluster moments, you somehow found a way to spin it to something funny. Your smile echoed like music carefully composed by a heart too young to be burned by fire.

How did you look up to me, when I made all the mistakes I would never know you made? Perhaps I could’ve taught you life lessons that mattered, or gave you skills that would’ve been to your ultimate benefit — but those days have long left with my every sigh. What’s it like living alone together with a family that has a seat always reserved for a missing someone throughout your decade? I hope you still hold that same smile, but I wouldn’t put it against you if you saw that seat empty with tears in your eyes.

I’m sorry for everything I did wrong — down to how I said goodbye.

It’s funny how I could only remember the both of you through our one and only photograph I could never delete. It’s funny how I’m an only child again, and everyday feels like I’ve repeatedly lost the two sweetest people I could’ve loved more than the world. It’s a lifetime sentence of penance for a sin I failed to beat. For you, I’ll celebrate all the “happy birthdays" I never got to utter, even if my faith in a future we’ll never see has already been bent, broken, and unfurled.

The grainy filter of our days, though painfully happy, has aged to the bittersweet taste. I am still locked in between rolls of films no one sees, while you fly like butterflies — happy, hopeful, and free. Grow to be better than me, don’t drink or smoke or let life to go to waste.

Because I want you to love this bitter world with a strong smile on the count of…

One.

Two-